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What’s happening my babber?

Hello everyone. A little update from AdamJonesWrites. It is all a bit hectic here. Mental weather and an influx of creativity are spawning numerous written thingumies.

Be warned, this is about to get wordy.

So, The Good, the Bad and the Werewolf is very nearly ready. I am aiming for a physical and Kindle release on the 1st February (in the UK, US and anywhere else that will have me). This is the third novella in the Little Whippendon series and recounts the time Chief Inspector Snood, a nasty piece of work from London, visits the village in an attempt at downsizing the Police Department.

To coincide with this release, I’ll be giving away Morning of The Waking Dead free for on Kindle five days, because I’m nice like that.

Flowing closely on its heels is the forth instalment in the Little Whippendon series, and the last (for a while). Dry your tears though, put the hanky away and keep your chin up. This one is for charity! It is a short(ish) story called A Game of One Half about the strangest game of football ever played.

For anyone who isn’t aware, it is Sports Relief in March. I don’t do sport. I think I’m allergic. It makes me go all red, puffy and sweaty. I got to wondering what I could do to contribute, without exposing myself to the rigours of physical exercise, and then I thought of this story. I have finished the first draft, and once it is ready, I will be selling it on Amazon in the usual way. All of the author proceeds will be donated to Sports Relief. I’m even going to ask Amazon to donate their share of the sale price as well (although don’t hold your breath… mind you, it is tax deductible).

As if that wasn’t enough, in February I start work in earnest on a book which has been in my mind for years. It will be bizarre, dark, disturbing, sprawling, long and complex. I don’t think anyone will like it but me

Anyway, hope you are all amazing. I know, of course, that you are!

Ta much

I’m reading through the first draft of my latest creation, the third book in the Little Whippendon saga (note: not actually a saga!) – a random excerpt for you;

“Twelve times the normal Friday night takings by my reckoning. And Inspector Drain left early. That will certainly have dented the coffers a bit. Of course, I’ll have to run it through the double entry to be precise about the values.” said Max. Steve stopped stretching and smiled at him.

“Do you think you could perhaps use a different term for your accounting mechanisms lad?”

“Why Mr Post? What is wrong with double entry?”

“Nothing my boy,” replied the barman wistfully as he remembered a particularly humid night in Saigon and the outlines of two faces who had been forgotten to him for years. “Nothing at all. Just conjures up the wrong kind of images if you get my drift?”

“Well, not really Mr Post. It’s one of the most widely accepted book keeping measures in the world. I’m not sure why you want me to stop using it.”

“No lad, you don’t have to stop using it. Just perhaps call it something else? Something less, well, a bit more, well, just different? You know, like, ‘put it in twiceys’?”

“Really? Well, if you want, I guess we could. I really don’t see why thought?”

“No lad, I doubt you do.”

We should pay politicians more

I just watched the first episode of series 2 of the revolution will be televised. i hadn’t seen it before and I enjoyed it. you can find it here if you are so inclined,

One of the sketches involved a pair of mock politicians on a council estate and other locations attempting to convince people they should be paid more. Unsurprisingly this led to a series of reactions, none of which were positive.

Well, I would like to throw a, perhaps controversial, point of view out there. I think politicians should be paid more. Quite a lot more in fact. But I have some caveats. 

There is often an argument that you can’t attract the best people to politics because of the salary (far below equivalent roles in industry apparently). This would obviously go some way to explaining the shower we have in the houses of parliament at the moment. Well, I am a big believer in a democratic system but I think ours is broken and full of self serving individuals who are more worried about sound bites and appearing on the evening news than they are about their communities. 

Anyway, I say, pay the MP’s a load more money, but only with the following caveats:

1 – No more expenses… Sorry chaps and chapesses, you have made it clear you can’t be trusted. Until my boss is willing to buy me a duck island and some hand printed wallpaper, you can pay for your own sandwiches.

2 – Get a real job… or more to the point, make sure you have a career or two in industry before entering politics. Career politicians are completely disconnected with the working people of Britain. (Note, not the ‘working classes’. Almost everyone has a job of some sort, and politicians don’t really get any of them).

3 – Aptitude test… Again, apologies, but I’m genuinely not convinced everyone would get through a basic aptitude and psychometric evaluation. Ironically, all of the soldiers who eventually get sent to war by politicians have to go through one of these.

4 – Resign all other posts. It really isn’t acceptable to hold non-exec positions at other companies while employed as a member of parliament. I want you to have my interests at heart, not those of a company. Of course, this shouldn’t be an issue what with you being paid more and everything.

5 – Follow through. If I don’t keep the promises I make to my employer, I get in trouble. Actually, they are very nice but you get the idea). Don’t promise things you cannot deliver, and then blame someone else after you have failed. I understand this one will require quite a change to the whole election process, especially the manifesto creation, but I think it would be worth while.

6 – Stop shouting at each other. Watching MPs screech, boo and whine in the houses of parliament like petulant children at primary school distances them so much from real people it is a joke. Try doing that in a meeting at work and see how far it gets you. Is it the traditional way of doing things? Maybe. Do I care? Not at all. 

That’s a starter for ten, and if anyone else has any caveats to add to the list, please feel free to do so in the comments below. In my view, the people who run the country should be fairly compensated for what they do, but in the same breath, we clearly have the wrong set of people running the country.

Rules for life

Hello everyone, hope you are all well. I have just finished the first draft of the third instalment of the Little Whippendon series so I thought I would share the first page with you. Have I missed any off the list? I would love to hear from you:

 

Moshesh’s rules for modern life

(vis-à-vis how to act in drinking establishments)

1. Though shall always get your round in

2. Though shalt not queue.

3. Though shall lean on the bar with money in hand; eye contact means you are ready to order

4. Though shall remember which coin belongs to which player in the queue on the side of a pool table

5. Though shall accept that peanuts and crisps are valid as main meals when offered

6. Though shall not, under any circumstance, sit on a table with a group of people you don’t know.

7. Children should be kept out, or at least kept quiet

8. Thou shalt not order coffee.

9. Mineral water is never the right answer

10. Though shall smoke when in the snug, regardless of law or popular fashion.

Morning Sir, would you like some religion?

This morning was my lazy morning. I have had a pretty hectic week so was looking forward to making the most of my first day off. I had plans, of course, but those plans revolved around lying in bed until at least ten am, then having a coffee and catching up on the news, before taking a slow wander to somewhere I could imbibe yet more coffee. It wouldn’t be until the afternoon that I made a decision on what productive thing, if anything in fact, I was going to do with my day.

However, God clearly did not agree that this was an acceptable way for me to spend a Saturday. I can only presume this is the case, as he is all knowing. Therefore, he must have known that some members of a religious organisation (which shall remain nameless) would be waking me up at 9 to provide me with some free literature.

I’ll level with you now. I’m not religious. That said, I don’t like to think of myself as aggressively atheistic either. I am happy for people to carry on their lives, believing in a creator, and omnipotent being, or the tooth fairy for that matter, as long as it doesn’t impact me. It is probably worth nothing here that my tiny musings on this blog are not the place for a debate about how religion impacts other people’s lives on a wider level. I don’t have the time for that, and I’m a bit tired thanks to the early(ish) morning rousing I received.

Anyway, I digress as always. This group of particularly smiley people proffered me with a couple of magazines and I politely accepted them and went back inside. As I am now awake, I have just read one. It was interesting to say the least. I wont dissect the content in full but I think the people I know who suffer from mental health problems (of which there are a few) will be particularly pleased to hear that it is the net result of original sin and that it will all be alright in some form of afterlife. Not exactly the cognitive coping mechanisms I had been hoping for.

Now, I receive a lot of junk mail generally, and I also get a fair few people knocking on my door offering to sell me things or sign up for mailing lists etc. (one of the joys of living in a city I guess). But here is the key bug bear I have this morning, this is my doorstep and thus calling upon it is interfering with my spare time (of which i have precious little). As such, from this day forward, people attempting to sell me religion on my doorstep will be regarded with the same contempt as someone trying to sell me a vacuum cleaner. Worse still in fact, as I could actually use a vacuum cleaner at the moment.

I have no issue with what people believe, but please don’t ask me to buy into your ideological constructs in my own home. Especially when i am still in my pyjamas. 

Also, if anyone has read this and does want help coping with mental health issues which are more practical than waiting until the afterlife to hope things fall into place, the following links are probably worth looking at.

http://www.nhs.uk/LiveWell/Mentalhealth/Pages/Mentalhealthhome.aspx

http://www.mind.org.uk/

Vampires, Pensioners, Gimps and free stuff

I am very pleased to announce that The Vampire Strikes back is now officially available wordlwide in Kindle and Paperback formats! Also, advanced notice of the fact that I will be giving the Kindle edition away for free on the 4th of September for 24 hours for anyone who may be interested – I shall be reminding you all on the day. Toodle Pip

“Funny, heart-warming and at times disgusting, The Vampire Strikes Back tells the age old story of the conflict between vampires and humans in a humorous new way. The Women’s Institute fumble their way through their book club’s latest assignment, Twenty Shades of Puce, while The Little Whippendon Police Department try to combat the imminent vampire threat. At least they will do when their hangover wears off. Including a supporting cast of vampires, cross-dressers, vicars and rubber masked gentlemen, The Vampire Strikes Back is not to be missed.”

 

http://viewbook.at/TheVampireStrikesBackKindle

 

The Vampire Strikes Back
The Vampire Strikes Back

 

Free giveaway

***FREE GIVEAWAY***
Come one, come all and grab yourself a free copy of Morning of the Waking Dead. To warm you up for the forthcoming release of The Vampire Strikes Back I am giving away Kindle version of the first book in the Little Whippendon series for free. Available worldwide for a limited time only (two days to be precise!). Tell anyone and everyone who might like to read it, I am hoping as many people as possible will download it over the next few days. Enjoy me dears

http://viewbook.at/MorningoftheWakingDeadLittleWhippendon

Free giveaway

***FREE GIVEAWAY***
Come one, come all and grab yourself a free copy of Morning of the Waking Dead. To warm you up for the forthcoming release of The Vampire Strikes Back I am giving away Kindle version of the first book in the Little Whippendon series for free. Available worldwide for a limited time only (two days to be precise!). Tell anyone and everyone who might like to read it, I am hoping as many people as possible will download it over the next few days. Enjoy me dears

http://viewbook.at/MorningoftheWakingDeadLittleWhippendon

I Write About Pornography, and it Gets Awkward for Everyone

Wonderfully written piece, well worth reading

Eyes Are Out

By now, you’ll have heard the uproar over David Cameron’s call for a pornography opt-in from UK ISPs . Of course you have. It’s the internet, and the moment anyone calls for any form of censorship the keywords of “tyranny” and “liberties” light up immediately. It’s caused uproar over suppression and internet access. After the death of Tia Sharp, Maria Miller called for a crack-down on online pornography, linking it to the savage attack. It’s a plan that has been on the cards a long time, though. So, if these regulations do come into effect, are they genuinely going to make a difference?

The answer is a complicated one. If the government’s true aim is to stop child abuse by blocking violent pornography and only allowing ‘regular’ pornographic content by opt-in, then probably not. By attempting to stop child pornography through conventional online access points, they are targeting…

View original post 902 more words

Vampires, vicars, Drunks and Gimps

The teaser has become more formal – I’m proud to announce the final cover design for The Vampire Strikes Back, the keenly (perhaps) awaited follow up to Morning of The Waking Dead. My full length debut contains vampires, vicars, cross-dressers, gimps and drunks. It will be available on Kindle and Paperback(!) 1st September  2013 and to celebrate, I will be offering it for free kindle download for a limited time (dates to be confirmed). I hope you like it!Image